I have a horribly irrational fear of doctors, so I just don't go to them, its part of the reason I am so super healthy. :) But when the ole knee gave out I started having mortality issues and decided that it was time to get "healthy" or at least start making the steps to it.
I randomly searched through a gajillion doctors in my insurance group and found one close to home that was also an expert in men's nutrition and helping men get back in shape. Perfect. So I go to him...and I have to admit he is great. Really nice guy, isn't all about changing me and telling me what I have been doing wrong. His priority is to get my knee fixed so he can get me on a "fun walking" program. I like this. He doesn't lecture me about my eating habits, and even tells me he completely understands when I tell him I hate vegetables (a major deterrent in every diet I have tried). He had solutions for everything and was really really nice. He also did a bunch of bloodwork so he could get an overall picture of my health. Ugh.
So I spent a week really stressing over the results of these tests. I thought for sure I would have a.)High blood pressure, b.) high cholesterol and c.) diabetes. Seriously.
SO I get the test results back...blood pressure: 120/80 - perfectly normal. Hmmm. Cholesterol - average. Hmmm. Diabetes - Nope. Wow great! Testosterone - 0. What??? That's right kids, Jason's body has stopped producing testosterone for some reason. The doctor said it explained a ton...its why I am always tired and lethargic (that and the sleep apnea), why I have trouble with my metabolism, etc. Its apparently not an uncommon thing and happens to guys a lot (sure). So I have to go on this magical drug:
Androgel. That's right. Androgel. Like I am an androgynous person, or an android. You have to pump out this foul smelling gel and rub it on your chest and it supposedly transfers testosterone back into your body and jump starts your testosterone making factory. Here's some side effects: I might get boobs, blood in my urine, and depressed. Thanks Androgel! I have to get a blood test after a month to see if its doing the right things, otherwise its on to something else, or just not having babies. Androgel is also not to come in contact with my genitals, women or kittens. So there's that.So I had a relatively clean bill of health and I am sexually obtuse. Yay.
So what about my knee? Well I'm glad you asked reader. BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Ugh. I have been home from camp for the better part of 3 weeks now and I still walk like Verbal Kint (Usual Suspects reference). So I went to one leg surgeon who told me it was just a muscle tear and to walk it off. HAHAHAHA. So needless to say I went for another opinion, and got a referral from my doctor to another surgeon. I went to see this guy and waited 45 minutes past my appointment time to finally get in with him, but during that time I was delighted by the catty comic stylings of his bitchy staff. So I finally get to see him and he does X-rays and bends my leg to hell and back and tells me that I either have a torn or stretched ACL/MCL or a dislocated kneecap. He thinks its the kneecap and tells me to pray for that. He then asks how much pain I am in and I say "A LOT" so he gives me a prescription for Darvacet - I like this guy now. He also gives me a leg brace that is about 3 sizes too big - seriously its like for an elephant. I know I am a big guy but I have lovely legs not fat legs. So he tells me I have to schedule an MRI and to call Thorek Hospital to get it done, BUT before I can do that they have to get permission from my insurance company and they won't be able to do that for a day or two. So I wait. And wait. And wait. I finally call back and they tell me they lost my insurance and ID and can I fax them back over. I do. They finally call back a week and a half later and tell me they still haven't called my insurance because they can't read the number on the back of the card. So I tell them what it is and tell them to put me on hold and call. She jumps back on 20 minutes later and says I am approved and gives me the number to Thorek.
A word on Thorek: Is this a real place? Yes. Not only is it a mythical creature from Dungeons & Dragons, it is the most ghetto hospital I have ever seen or been to and its all mine. Just know that it is really run down and nobody who answers the phones speaks any english at all. At all. So I finally convince the operator that I am calling the right hospital and painfully describe to her what an MRI is and how I need one, and she finally says "Si, radiology" and puts me through. No no. Radiology is not answering or taking messages because their box is full. So I go back to the operator and tell her that ,so she gives me another number which apparently rings the radiology lab, and they tell me to stop calling there and hang up on me. After the better part of two days I finally get through (this experience felt eerily similar to when I was trying to get a Second City Touring Company audition slot). The woman on the other end asks me for a reference number from my leg doctor. I don't have this. I was never given this. I was told I didn't need this. Thorek says I do. They refuse to schedule my MRI until I get it.
So that's where I'm at today...trying to get a fucking number to schedule an "el MRI".
Thank god I don't have any testosterone, or I would rip someone's head off I'm sure.
Yay.
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